today is june 1st on my side of the world. and just like that, half of the year is done. this is the midway mark. the middle of the year. in the workplace, this is usually the part where the bosses do an assessment of their subordinates. and for the non-bosses, a chance to reflect on what they have done.
for the students, it marks the end of summer. the dreaded (or not, depending on which side of nerdom you're in) schoolyear is about to start. a chance to see classmates and catch up with friends last seen three months ago. for the educators, it's the start of endless hours slogging through lesson plans, homeworks, exams, papers, and grades. it means a fresh batch of brains to teach, hone, and develop. personalities to uncover, talents to unearth.
for the other folks, it can be just like any other day. it will be just like yesterday, and no different than tomorrow. everything will be in its place, not a note out of tune nor a hair out of place.
and then there's me.
today is also sunday.
the start of the week. the end of a weekend. probably the second most-dreaded day of employees and students and everyone in between after monday (especially when the sun begins to set). a day of worship. a day of family. a day of rest. a day of love. a day of sunshine, or rain. a day.
a few months ago, sunday nights depress me. i get this anxious feeling deep in my gut, knowing that i have to get up and go to work the next day. to do something i'd rather not do. to do something that does not give me any amount of joy or satisfaction. it was hell.
but i talked to people, and people talked to me. and slowly, gradually, light came. it wasn't easy, and it wasn't quick. i'm nowhere near there yet, but i'm on my way. i still can't wait for the day to be over, i still can't wait for the weekend. i can't wait to see my friends, for a project to finish, for me to have time to read a book. i can't wait for the next holiday, my next vacation, my next trip. but for now, i try.
and today, on the halfway mark, i can say i am not dreading this day. even if i'm in front of my laptop, working. this halfway point marks something that changed in me. that today will be different. it will not be the same as yesterday, and will not have resemblance to tomorrow. today is, after all, a sunday.
short stories appeal to me in particular, as they provide me a quick escape. a five-page foray into a new world, a 30-minute jaunt to fantasyland. sometimes, that's all i need. especially now, when that's the only time i can spare.
i got to thinking about short stories because (surprise!), i'm reading rags and bones, a collection of short stories. the authors put a new twist to classic tales from the past. not necessarily fairy tales, just short stories in general. the authors reduced it to the most basic elements—the rags and bones of the story—and put their twist to it.
i'm a bit more than halfway of the book, and so far, so good. there's this line that actually struck me when i read it. it affected me so much that i can't get myself to work even if i badly need to. i don't know why it had that effect on me. this line is from "when first we were gods" by rick yancey.
again, i don't know why. but this line is just something else.
i never used to wonder about that. i just went about my way, slogging through work. sometimes i like my work, sometimes i don't. just like any other person. and when i really don't like it anymore, i find another one. so far, my threshold has been two years. and this time, i promised myself that i would stay put for more than that.
but then. something happened that made me think about the point. what is the point to what i'm doing? i'm not helping solve hunger. not poverty. not world peace. i'm just helping someone sell more stuff that won't actually do anything to have a profoundly lasting impact to the world.
so it made me think. why am i doing this? why am i wasting days, nights, weekends, holidays, to doing something that, in the greater scheme of things, doesn't really matter? i could've spent my weekend with my family, my friends, or doing something that would help change the world. but no. i spent it holed up inside my room, staring at my screen, trying to make sense of a spreadsheet, and wondering why the hell i'm doing this.
and the thing is, my profession is something that CAN actually have an impact. research does that. but then, do i just up and go? where do i go? is it right to go now? or is it better to hone my craft before i go and change the world? but for how long?
and you? have you ever wondered what the point is?
i feel quite robbed of any emotions recently, which is why i've taken to watching grey's anatomy in the hopes that it would stir something in me. it does its job quite well, but only until the credits roll. so i also took to re-reading some books of mine. again, the feeling would last as long as the words. once i've read the last dot, it's gone.
i'm not sure if it's about work (which, generally, is the same—it never ends), or life in general. or because i haven't been to a new place in 3 months. or...i dunno. might be just a phase. or hormones.
i wish i could write something that makes much more sense. let me try that again some time.
i read a tumblr post earlier about how neil gaiman (my favorite author of all time!!!) inspired a writer with his speech. and i always remember what he usually says about writing --- just write. write all the time. write, write, write. if you want to be a writer, this is what you should do. i want to be a writer, and i haven't written anything in a long time. not a post here, not even a journal entry in my jurassic-era journal.
so. i vowed to myself to write again. whether a little post here, a tumblr there, anything. just to keep going. and then eventually rebuild my story-telling.
i'm really happy where i am right now, but sometimes i wish i could just up and go and lock myself in some exotic far away place and write my heart's content. but then, i don't really need to go away to do that right?
Just updated my lj app, so here i am testing it out :)
Our recent visit to mel.
Spring in everland, south korea.
Enjoying the water in coron.
New writing loot care of my friends, from sg.
New reading loot care of me.
I love weekends.
So many things happening to me. First, i have a new job! Im starting on monday. Got a one week break in between, which i took advantage for the second change which is: i had lasik! Finally, 20/20 vision again! Though my eyes are not yet fully healed (my right eye is taking longer), i can already see waaaay better than i used to with glasses. Wheee!
I realized that resigning from my job in pharma was very different from when i resigned from the agency. When i left my first job, i was soo excited to leave. I cant wait to turn my back from the type of work i was doing. When i left my recent job, i wasnt really excited to leave. I was actually sad. At the same time though, i was excited for what's in store in my next job. I realized that there's a very fine line between being excited to leave, and being excited to move on. I guess it also helped that i had everyone's support, including my bosses'. And here we were, the whole team celebrating my moving forward :)
With one of my favorite persons at work!
Another favorite person
Trying to hide our fatty parts
Almost complete group shot!
Il surely miss these guys! But now, im off to an even greater adventure! :)
That's it in a nutshell. I'm actually supposed to be working, but I had to take a break or else I'll fall asleep. And well, I was so busy exploring Pinterest yesterday that I ended up searching for tat designs. And since then, I can't take my mind off this specific anchor design (saw this on thesartorialist):
I want it. But I don't know where to put it. I already have one on my right shoulder. I don't want my back to look like a bulletin board, so I have to think this through. I'm thinking of putting it in the middle, just below my batok. Hmmmm.
Oh, the wonders of today's technology. Almost everything is easier.